The Merry Month : It's that time of year again
Robert Merry is an independent stone consultant and project manager who ran his own company for 17 years. He also acts as an expert witness. Here he presents his view of the stone industry this month.
It’s that time of year again. The two week construction shut down at the end of this month (December), the last minute orders, the last minute present-buying.
Christian present-giving has a chequered history, loosely following a Roman tradition, started at the festival of Saturnalia. A celebration of Saturn, the Roman god of capital and wealth. He also had a planet named after him.
To the Romans, present-giving was often about status. The size and value of the gift reflected the wealth and generosity of the giver, although small, valueless gifts, were seen as tokens of friendship. Today we still struggle to buy the latest, fastest, most expensive. Or maybe you only give small token gifts?
Present giving has been going on for thousands of years in various forms, with the current turkey / tree-decorating / present / card-centred fluffery being a Victorian invention.
Whatever your motivation, here’s something for you – for loved ones, for friends… or, indeed, your worst enemy. The perfect stone-themed present. I have trawled the web and selected the following, faithfully reproducing the sellers’ descriptions.
We start with the ‘Leather Granite Handbag’. Something for all you butch masons?
Then we have the ‘Granite Stones For Whisky Drinks Cooler Cubes – set contains nine whiskey stones and a velvet pouch’. I like a velvet pouch, me.
Next, ‘Granite Statue Of Woman’s Face Apron’ (is that not heavy to wear?). Not entirely sure of the grammar in this description. I think they missed out the words ‘printed on an Apron’ after ‘face’. Or maybe not!
‘Slate / Granite Reversible Platter’. Great idea! It turns out to be of “heavy duty melamine construction. Strong, lightweight and virtually unbreakable. Dishwasher safe and provides a high level of resistance to scratching and staining”. Sounds like a kitchen top manufacturer’s dream description, though getting the worktop in the dishwasher may be a challenge.
There is a theatrical event called ‘The Grit and the Glint – Granite 2016’ sponsored by National Theatre Scotland and Aberdeen City Council. It is “a journey into sound, the sound of Aberdeen past and present. A number of locations, or dwelling points, will be joined together and will reflect an aspect of granite and the history of Aberdeen…” Take the kids as an alternative to the panto this year?
Amazon has a ‘Black Marble Boat Clock’, described as “very heavy because of stone” and “currently unavailable”. Sales have probably sunk… Sorry.
‘Bengal Gold Marble Cat Make-Up Compact Mirror Christmas Gift’ is a picture of a tabby cat printed on a tin box. The marble refers to the moggie’s colouring. This gift also comes a close second in the ‘missing grammar in the strap line’ competition.
The winner is: ‘Stag Elk Deer Buck Hunter Sportsman Trophy Christmas Gift Bronze Marble Statue’. Honest to God that’s how it’s written. Look it up. Buy one for a friend. It’s a bronze statue on a marble base. Not a statue made from bronze marble, which would be neat if it existed. I must look it up in BSEN12440. Not sure what a Stag Elk Deer Buck is, but it’s the thought that counts.
A more conventional ‘Marble Wine Cooler’ carries the warning: “Due to the natural properties of marble the colour and markings will differ between products.” (Where have we heard that one before?).
And, finally, not a present at all but something that came up on a web site called ‘A little bit of stone’ while I was searching for the perfect gift. The headline read: “Chaotic scenes see Stone Dominoes game abandoned”. Blimey, that’s a good idea, I thought. What could be better than a set of stone dominos, exquisitely carved and in a presentation box (not a velvet pouch). I clicked and found myself on the Stone website. That’s the town of Stone in Staffordshire. Stone Dominoes turns out to be the Sunday football team. Apparently, a fight broke out at a local derby match. Two players were sent off in a game that lasted 82minutes before the ref abandoned it. “All 22 players were to become involved in the handbags that followed, with substitutes from both sides joining the fracas.”
I hope they weren’t Leather Granite Handbags.
Merry Christmas!